sometimes!

Sometimes i wonder….

Sometimes i really wonder!

Sometimes I wonder everything in this world. exactly like a baby who has came from his mother’s womb, strangely looking around doesn’t know anyone and only cries. Sometimes i really wanna cry. Sometimes I look into people’s eyes and say to myself, What are they saying? What is it with everyone? They speak in my language but still i don’t understand a word and just nod! do i feel something extra that they can’t or it’s them that the’re senseless? and there is the pain… I say come on I need someone to talk to, I’m choking here, is there anyone to share this killing pain with? sadly there isn’t, just reflection of your own voice from the back of your head. You can’t take it anymore you need to do something.

That’s the time when you start to make your own castle in this cold dessert, you say to yourself; F..ck everyone! I don’t need them, I can have my own empire.

So you start to build your castle alone angrily and brick by brick you’re getting far from the other’s… it could be somehow a remedy to this pain(which is all you want).

Time passes and you have the conclusion of your hard works; a beautiful and shining castle all for yourself. Enjoy it. But wait! you need to protect it from the others. what “the others”? there is no others! remember why you’d started to build this castle? but it might be someone? I can’t take that risk this castle is all i have now it’s the only place that I can reduce my pain. I have to do it.

And you start to protect your castle by creating defenses which is simply making distance from others and ignore any possible sign that says; “I might understand just a tiny little bit of what you’re saying”. you know, it’s somehow funny that something that you someday wanted the most becomes something that you afraid the most! someday your only wish was to find someone who could understand you, but today it’s your only fear.

All is well and you’re walking into your castle just like other days and enjoying the fresh breeze. Your plan worked and here you are all alone and ready to fly. You spread your wings, close your eyes, take a deep breath and the only thing that you’re thinking about is to soar like an eagle… but suddenly you notice something!

Without opening your eyes you see a shadow rambling around your castle! looks like a girl with long hairs and a loose skirt.

Who is she? how did she come here? how did she pass the defenses? after repeating these questions a few times more and getting nothing, you slowly open your eyes and what your see is unbelievable. you’re starring at a black hair girl who is singing and laughing and comfortably jumping side to side like it’s her home. for one second you feel like she’s been here for years and you’re the one who’s strange in here!

Goddamnt! how the hell did she get in here? why she doesn’t even look at me? and why the F..ck she is so happy? she is defiling your precious castle that you’ve been building for years and you can’t do anything.

You’re still watching  her and beginning to believe that maybe it is her castle! maybe you was meant to build it for here! and here she is, it’s your turn to leave! maybe you was just a guard and there is no need for your services anymore…

you’re getting numb and dizzy while having all those matters on your mind and finally you become completely senseless…

It’s over my friend, that’s the day you have been always afraid of, here is someone that doesn’t just understand your thoughts but has your thoughts or in better words its you that have her thoughts! you feel empty and cold seems your strong and reasonable theories and principles which you have been building your castle with, was an illusion that is fading away upon your eyes right now.

YOU ARE IN LOVE

You are in love and a black eye girl with a smiley face has took away your castle and you’re still watching… this time you don’t even ask for your castle because you know that she already owns it. This time you beg her to let you in!

finally she stops and slowly moves her long and black hairs with her hand and with that permanent smiley face looks at you. without saying anything turns your castle into dust and fades away.

It’s you again even more lonely than before and completely numb, you know you’re exhausted but you can’t feel any pain. suddenly you hear a soothing voice:

i was watching you dear …

i was with you all the time …

i was here for you from the beginning …

Now you tell me, does your heart belong to anyone else?

so why don’t you praise me?

why don’t you see me?

And that’s how i found Allah